Hikaru Light in this Dark Tunnel
by TearDropsOnMyBlueJeans
Summary: For the past three years, Seiran has changed because of his wife that left him.Will I ever be able to confess my feelings when all it seems like he does now,is to turn away from any emotions? Bad summary but please give it a chance and r&r!


**So here's my lovely bunny that randomly popped into my head today. Please tell me what you think! Oh by the way this is a WARNING! I think everybody seems out of place and there's some inconsistency, and grammar mistakes and such, but please go light on me! Anyways remember to please, please, please review! Oh and by the way (second time..I'm sorry) this is kinda AU...it takes place six years after Shuurei first entered the palace as a consort for Ryuuki.**

**DISCLAIMER: If I owned Saiunkoku Monogatari, Seiran and Shuurei would have been married with children a long time ago and everyone would live happily ever after. Therefore I don't own anything associated with Saiunmono, besides, I guess Shi Hana.**

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I stood there, outside of the capital's gates.

I stood there waiting for Seiran. Or rather now, he's known as General Seien, the exiled prince that turned up and who refused the throne, and instead opting to become a general.

Today was the day when Seiran is to finish his tour and come back with his army. I waited, holding the hand of his daughter, little two-and-a-half old Hana, surrounded by the bustling, voices, cries of children and gossips of the other ladies, all waiting for their husbands and brothers to come back. Me? I'm waiting for my best friend who I've missed so much in the past two months to arrive back safely. I looked at Hana, who looked so much like her beautiful mother, with light brown eyes and light gold hair, except for her actual face features, where then she looks like a copy of her father. Seiran had gotten married four years ago, but then Suzuka-san, the woman he married, decided that she didn't want to stay with him, if he wasn't going to succeed the throne, so she wrote a letter, and left in the dead of night right after Hana was born. She left her husband, broken-hearted and depressed, and she left a beautiful and smart daughter who never knew her own birth mother. I tried to pick up the broken pieces, but then it looked like it didn't work. So while Seiran was on leave from duty he turned into the Seiran I didn't know. He drank, and drank until he was drunk, he gambled, and he visited the brothels in the red-night district nearly every night. It pained me so much to watch my best friend and the man I love go through the pain, but all I could do was to step in as a mother figure to Hana, raise her by myself, and help as much as I can. He grew out of it eventually when he saw his daughter get bigger and bigger. He stopped drinking. He stopped gambling. But he never stopped his visits to the red-light district. Now, little Hana, who now called me mama since there wasn't any one else that she can call mother, stood by me, holding my hand tightly, as she tried to catch sight of her father. Under Ryuuki's orders, Seiran, Hana and I were to now live in the palace, and I had to give Seiran the news. The gentle Seiran is now gone, replaced by the cold Seiran I knew when I first met him eighteen years ago. It saddens me to see that he now once again had put up a wall that no one can climb over. Except for his little girl. And I was hoping perhaps me, but it doesn't seem like it.

Suddenly, I heard the orderly walk of over five hundred men.

Then I saw Seiran on a horse, leading the men.

As soon as the men saw the wives and children and sisters, there was no more order.

They ran all the way to greet the ladies that they've missed for two months.

Except for Seiran.

He never sped up nor slowed down.

He kept a constant pace.

Until he reached us.

His hard mouth turned into a smile, but the smile only reached up to his eyes half-way, in his eyes, I saw a pained Seiran.

"Papa!" Exclaimed Hana, as Seiran jumped down the horse to greet Hana and me.

"Hana! I missed you. Did you miss papa?" He said, smiling, a real genuine smile at the little girl.

Hana had let go of my hand, and flung herself at Seiran into a hug that was as tight as her little two-and-half year old hands can do.

"Yes! Mama miss too!" She said, still in her little girl language of incomprehensible words.

He smiled, and kissed her cheek.

It seemed like there was something different in Seiran in these past two months.

He held Hana's hand and came towards me.

As he got closer, his stony emotionless face started to crumble.

And all I did, in shock, was run towards him.

I got there just in time, for him to fall forward, as he collapsed into me, crying.

I have never, in my life seen Seiran cry.

Not even when we were little children and he fell down our roof and broke his leg.

Not even when Suzuka left.

Maybe because he only, if he did, cried in his own room, in his own private sanctuary instead of crying in front of me.

As I tried to hug and hold him up, his tall muscular frame being a lot heavier than my petite frame, I could hear the sobs coming from him.

"Seiran?" I whispered to him.

"I saw her, Shuurei. I saw her. With someone from the Ko clan, giggling about. She had a child, a child that looked exactly like her." Whispered Seiran.

It's scaring me, how the normally calm Seiran is now crying and sobbing on my shoulder.

I had led him to sit on a very big rock, as he cried.

I had let him cry for a long time.

"Shh…Come on Seiran, let's go home. We have to pack to leave for the palace tomorrow." I finally said, as I rubbed his back.

He nodded, trying to remain strong.

Will the tears and pain ever stop?

Will he ever forget?

Would there ever be a happy ending for Seiran, a happy ending that he deserves after all the hardships he has went through in his life?

Will he ever smile his genuine smile at me and everyone else?

There were so many questions going through my head, as Seiran, Hana and I rode in the carriage back to the mansion we live.

What was supposed to seem like a half hour ride to home seemed that it took forever, the silence thick between us.

Hana sensing that there was tension kept quiet, and instead, looked out the window of the carriage, smiling and waving to everyone in sight.

I was and am never good with words.

And I was afraid that if I attempt to comfort Seiran, he would just withdraw from me even more.

How did it change from him caring for my every need and protecting me from everything that had the potential to harm me into me trying to care for him and his daughter and protecting his daughter? I don't mind at all, I feel it as repayment for all the things he had done for father and I, but it makes me wonder how, six years ago, this was all different. Seiran got married four years ago, and I convinced myself that as long as Seiran's happy with Suzuka, I should put my feelings aside and marry someone else or even just turn around and let them have a happy life.

I couldn't do it.

I hid my love for Seiran well, he never knew.

I gave up Ryuuki, for Seiran, because I knew that if I had married Ryuuki I would be unhappy and not be able to give Ryuuki the love that he deserved.

We sat there in silence.

I then had a urge to look at him in the eyes again.

When I looked up from my hands, I saw his pale purple eyes staring back to my brown ones.

"I-I, Seir-"I stuttered, trying to make sense on what I was going to say.

Instead it all just melted away, and I was left with just mouthing words, that my voice didn't want to speak out loud.

"I'm so sorry Shuurei," Said Seiran.

I blinked, surprised at the sudden apology.

"You deserve better than this useless man, this emotionless bastard, this horrible man." He continued, looking at me.

I opened my mouth to say something, but I was cut off.

"I have been a horrible father, a miserable man, and a even worst friend and protector to you. When did I turn into someone so selfish? When you first entered the palace for Ryuuki six years ago, I promised myself that as long as you're happy and smiling that nothing matters in this world. Then I fell in love with Suzuka, and then all matters seemed to disappear. I thought that this was my happy ending, me and Suzuka starting a family together and living happily ever after, just like what you used to say to me when you were younger about happily ever afters. Then Suzuka left. She was in love with my lineage, my potential of power, not me, Shi Seien. I was in love with everything she was, her beauty, and her flirtious personality. She left me with a constant reminder of not to fall in love, because of my broken heart that seems beyond likely to be repaired. I don't think I can ever love again. You have been doing so much for me and Hana for the past three years. Not caring of what society or what others say about you, you gave up your governor post, and moved in with Hana and I to ensure that we were all okay. You gave up your own happiness with Ryuuki and watching him get married to Jsyusan, you gave up so much for me. And yet what do you get for a thank-you? A useless, empty Seiran that goes to the red-district all the time. The men knocked some sense into me during this tour. They told me how I should be thankful for you. For staying with me through the past years. And I have realized just how fortunate I am to have you, Shuurei."

I looked at him.

And then I thought it was time for my vent up feelings to take a leap.

"Who was the one that would protect me through the night? Who was the one that would throw bamboo shoots if a guy got too close to me? Who was my shoulder to cry on, who was the one that always made sure I was okay and happy before he was? Who was the one that dedicated half of his whole life into serving a widowed father and a lonely headstrong daughter? You. You were my rock, the person I could always look to, to not lie to me, to not abandon me. All these years, these past six years, the man I really loved, the man I really needed, was not Ryuuki. It was you. It's always been you, Seiran. It's pained me so much how you would push away your own daughter when you're like this. Just because Hana is Suzuka's daughter, does not make Hana responsible for anything. I've given up the three years of my life to care for you two, because I want to repay you for all you've done, and I know that my repayment would never measure up to you protecting me all these years, but I want to be there for you. I want to be there for your daughter. She's a beautiful and wonderful daughter, and you should be so proud of her, but instead, you hardly come out of your bedroom for dinner, when you're home at night you usually slip out to the red-light district. How do I know? I follow you, all the way to the brothels. And it pains me to see that you're not the Seiran I once knew. I want to see you happy, Seiran. I want to see you smiling again, and being the Seiran you were when you married Suzuka. You can never have a unmendable heart. You just think you do. Seiran, I don't care if I'm going to be a old woman with no husband and children in sixty years, all I care about right now, is to see you and Hana happy. I know I have no idea how painful it is to lose someone you love, not by death but by choice from that person, but know this, that even when everything goes wrong, and nothing turns out right, I'll be right here, by your side, no matter what. You're not worthless, you're not a bastard, you're not a horrible man, because I know you Seiran, and the Seiran I know is none of that. He's a brave, courageous, valiant and chivalrous man that would do nothing but keep his loved ones safe and happy." I said, standing up to go and hug him tightly, as we arrived in front of the Shi mansion.

I failed to mention that I was leaving the capital soon.

I was in need in my governor post back in the Sa province.

I would have to leave Seiran and Hana, or try to convince them to come with me.

I've been begged to come back as governor for the province, by the people, and there is no way I would not respond to the cries of the people.

Seiran nodded at me, and wrapped his arms around me, as I rubbed his back gently.

So Seiran, Hana and I walked hand in hand, Hana in the middle back into the house, where a bustle of servants came in and curtsied and bowed to us as soon as we got in.

"Welcome home, Seien-sama, good afternoon Shuurei-sama and Hana-sama." They all said in a chorus that was very well practiced.

As we got into the sitting room, we saw Jsyusan and Ryuuki sitting and drinking tea.

Presumably waiting for us.

"Anuie! Hana! Shuurei!!" Said Ryuuki, as soon as he saw us enter, standing up to rush to hug us.

"Come on Ryuuki, let them breathe." Said Jsyusan soothingly. Thank the gods for Jsyusan; she is just the perfect woman for Ryuuki, calm and would go along with his nonsense.

Ryuuki promptly stepped back, composed, and sat down, gesturing us to do the same.

I sensed it was grown up talk, so I ordered one of the maids to take Hana back into her chambers and watch over her.

Seiran and I sat down, facing the royal couple, who looked like they were talking business.

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**Maybe full blown story…maybe just a two-short or something, but this is what I've got so far. I'm sorry if everyone seems so out of character, but I just wanted this bunny out of my head and quickly typed it up. Please tell me anything, any words of encouragement! I'm still gradually learning how to write better! Please r&r!**


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